my "story"

today in my doula class the teacher was talking about how we bring our "stories" into the birth room, or carry them around through life.  at lunch i started thinking about food, imagine that!  and i was thinking about how much i love food.  and then i remembered a friend of mine telling me how her husband told her one day, during a fight about the lack of sex in their life, that he had the largest sexual appetite of any man. seriously?  i think he actually believed this.  so, why i thought of that i don't know, but somehow it came from the meshed ideas of his "story" and my appetite for food.  and i realized, i have my own story, quite like my friend's husband...I love food more than anyone else walking this earth.  absurd.  i know.  but i think that is how a lot of our stories sound once we say them out loud, and yet we can live our lives as if they are true.  for me, I will eat more and more food because, i mean, why wouldn't i?  i need to.  it is so damn good, everything about it is sooooo good.   i love food more than anyone.  more than you.  so move over and give me that baguette.  :)

and this has been my life, realization after realization, and not much movement after that.  or at least so slow that i get impatient and feel like i am not growing.  maybe i am being too hard on myself (um, virgo?) or maybe i get lazy and don't want to do the work.  i think through this cleanse, and without the crutch of food, i am having space to notice things...and to really sit with them longer than i have in the past.  i would be onto the next meal...feeling really good.  or having a glass of wine...feeling really good.  and avoiding the place or emotions that i had just cultivated.  i think meditation month is going to be so good for me.  and i mean, i am reading all these Pema books...which have a lot of life wisdom in them, but they are grounded in having a meditation practice.  that comes up in january.

so, here we are on day 5.  almost 6pm.  not feeling too bad, although the morning, i have to say, is not the high point of my day.  i felt shaky and foggy.  and last night, i had an awful time going to sleep, all these scary images flashing in the darkness of my closed eyelids.  clenching my jaw.  tossing and turning.  i have not had restful sleep the past couple of nights.  but as i sit here and type, i feel pretty good.  i had a great day, being in an inspiring class.  it was easier to be on the cleanse there...no whining kids, no husband to fight with.  ps. i do love you, jamie and kids :)  just sitting there listening...and i noticed that too, more listening, clearly listening instead of always in my own thoughts.  that clarity i mentioned yesterday was with me again today.  of course it goes right out the window when my kids start flipping out.  but hey, i am human.

i went to a potluck last night at the kids school.  i even cooked chili for it.  and i didn't give into temptation.  i guess when i put my mind to something i can follow through.  i need to remember that one. since my go to emotion these days seems to be overwhelm.  i can get through.  i can set my intention on how to handle something and no matter how hard i think it might be...when i actually follow through on my plan, it's never as hard as i had anticipated.

peace,
Melissa